Episode 4: Surrogacy Q&A

This month's episode is the first of it's kind for The Family Circle as we do not have a guest! Our fourth episode features the Marketing team Dynamic Duo - Kristin and Lauren. Kristin is the Director of Marketing here at Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation and Lauren is the Social Media and & Culture Manager. 

These two jump right in to answering all of our most asked questions about surrogacy. They challenge each other with some tough questions about the cost of surrogacy, vaccination requirements, how we match surrogates and intended parents, and everything in between! 

Throughout the episode, they reference blog posts, website pages, and other podcasts episodes that we've provided links for below:

1. Intended Parent Requirements (blog post) - https://www.circlesurrogacy.com/blog/circle-surrogacy/intended-parents-requirements-for-surrogacy/
2. Surrogate Requirements (website page) - https://www.circlesurrogacy.com/surrogates/surrogate-requirements
3. The Surrogate Panel Episode (podcast) - https://thefamilycircle.buzzsprout.com/1829944/10311923-episode-2-circle-surrogate-panel

Interested in learning more about surrogacy? Check out our website at www.circlesurrogacy.com or visit us on our social channels @circlesurrogacy! 

Thank you for listening!

If you'd like to learn more about surrogacy, you can visit our website. If you'd like to chat with one of our team members, please reach out:

• Become a surrogate (email: applications@circlesurrogacy.com)
• Become a parent (email: info@circlesurrogacy.com)
• Become an egg donor (email: eggdonation@circlesurrogacy.com)

We'd love to hear your story and see how we can support you.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the family circle, a podcast brought to you by circle, surrogacy and egg donation. My name is Kristen and I am your host today. I'm the Marketing Director here at Circle surrogacy and I am a parent through surrogacy through the program here at Circle. I'm excited to welcome my co host today, something a little different for us. This is Lauren, and she is our Social Media and Culture manager here at Circle. How are you, Lauren? Hello, I'm so excited to be here. I am the person that's usually on the other end of this while we're recording. So it's fun to be on this side getting to talk to everyone. I know we don't have a true guest, quote unquote, guest today. So I feel like mom and dad are away and playing around with the podcast. You know, having a little fun. So but I am excited about this episode, it's going to be a little bit different. Normally, we have more of an interview style episode with some amazing guests that we've been able to speak with. But today, we're actually turning the tables a little bit. And we're going to be talking directly to you our audience because we have some questions that we have collected from various sources. We get them through social media, we get them on our chat bot, we get them phone calls, they come up in emails through the website, and you know, this q&a type episode, I think is going to be really helpful. We're going to sort of cover the gamut, the full gamut. Yeah, absolutely. And I can say that it's exciting for me to be able to share in this way, because I'm so used to answering questions on our Instagram and our Facebook when questions come through. But if we can find a way to answer all of these questions in one place, what an amazing resource for us to have. It's actually my favorite part of my job being able to connect with people who are in the research phase, trying to figure out what surrogacy agency they want to work with, but also getting to build relationships with our surrogates intended parents, egg donors, partners. So all of that is a huge part of my job. And it's a really exciting part, especially seeing questions coming through once women or parents are actually in the program. And they want to know more about the next step. That's a big thing that I see all the time. So I'm excited to get in here and just start answering some of these questions. We've got 14 questions. So are you ready to kick things off? Kristin? I am ready. I'm ready for the first question. All right, well, it's a good one. We get this question all the time from parents or intended parents who are interested in the surrogacy process, but also people who are just curious about surrogacy, what we do, why it works the way that it works. So probably our most asked question that we get from intended parents is Why is surrogacy so expensive? Ah, we're starting with a small question. All right. So yeah, so this is probably one of the most asked questions we do get about surrogacy. And you know, at the end of the day, yes, surrogacy is expensive. It is an expensive way to grow your family. And the reason for this is there's a few reasons. So first, there's a lot of professionals involved in the surrogacy process. So between your IVF doctors, you have lawyers, you have accountants, you have case managers and all of the people who are focused on managing your journey, supporting you, there's social workers involved, all of these people working together to ensure that you have as smooth and successful journey as possible, right. Second, and perhaps most importantly, is the compensation to your gestational surrogate. So that is for her emotional, physical and her mental commitment to helping you grow your family. You know, and there are other costs to consider that just go along with a traditional pregnancy. You need to keep in mind things that might arise that you didn't plan on, like a surrogate going on bedrest or multiples, you know, an embryo might split and she might be pregnant with twins and that will increase the cost. So, there are a lot of these things that really go into making up the costs of surrogacy. I will say some companies provide third party reproductive benefits more and more companies each day are evaluating their health care plans to make them as inclusive as possible. Some of the larger companies out there have started including this, which can be really helpful to intended parents and if you are looking into surrogacy but you are concerned about the costs there is also find out
Anything that's available for surrogacy and egg donation. So if you are speaking with an intake Associate here at Circle, you can absolutely inquire about what type of financial assistance is available to help support the monetary side of your surrogacy journey. Yeah, once you lay it out like that, it makes complete sense why it cost so much. I remember that was one of the first things I wondered, when I started working here was, wow, there's a big price tag associated with this. And then you know, you start seeing the ins and outs and you follow someone's journey and you realize it's costly, it can, it can really add up. So that makes a lot of sense that it's an adjustment. But if you can make it work, I promise you that the payoff is worth it. And you can say that better than anyone because you have a prime example a little RT set home.
All right, Lauren, time for me to put you in the hot seat here. I'm ready. We we know that there are requirements for surrogates, right to qualify to become gestational carriers. But we do get asked by our intended parents if there are requirements for them to qualify for the surrogacy program to have a child through servicing. Yes, so that's something that we've been actually talking a lot more about recently. I know you recently wrote a blog post about this because it's, it's been a hot topic, especially with more and more celebrities or people in the public eye who are using surrogacy, I think there's a lot of misinformation out there about who can actually become a parent through surrogacy, I can only speak for how we do things that circle. But there are some requirements. It's not just something that you can say, I want to have a baby but I don't want to go through pregnancy. I don't want my body to change. I don't have time, my career is really busy things like that. There has to be a need for it. So at circle we require that there be a medical need for surrogacy. So that's going to look different for everyone. We have people that come to us with a medical need because of previous losses that they've had. We have many cancer survivors, we also more than half of the intended parents that we work with are gay dads, or want to become dads, and biologically they cannot have a child. So there is a medical need there that they they need reproductive assistance. So we do have requirements in place to ensure that we're going about surrogacy in the most ethical way possible, while still ensuring that anyone who wants to become a parent can do so. And that's why we're here to help. If you do come to looking at surrogacy to grow your family, you might already know that you have that medical need. I mean, I think a good first step is to talk to your IVF doctor, and then schedule a call with somebody here at circle because they can sort of talk you through those steps. They can answer all of your questions and let you know if there's anything we might require from your doctor in order to have you proceed in the program. And our next question actually pairs really nicely with this one. Because everyone that does surrogacy comes to us for their own reason with their own unique story. So every single day, we see comments and questions on our social channels from people asking, Why are you choosing surrogacy? Why are you choosing surrogacy versus fostering or adopting? So what do you think about that one, Kristen? So speaking from personal experience, I think how you decide to grow your family is a very personal decision, and no one should really question your choice or even the reasons behind it. But that being said, intended parents will choose surrogacy for a few reasons. First, surrogacy is a family growing option that allows intended parents the opportunity to have a biological connection to their baby, whether that's one intended parent or both intended parents, second surrogacy has a high success rate of you bringing home a baby. So when it comes to adoption, you know, there could be instances where something might fall through and that can lead to disappointment and not the outcome that you had hoped for. Surrogacy has a good success rate at Circle, we'd like to share that our success rate is 99.3% for intended parents bringing home a baby in our program. And that's because we work with really reputable clinics, we have an amazing program in place for our intended parents that truly protects them and covers them for you know, multiple transfers if they need it, or whatever it might be. But really, we like to call it getting them to the finish line right, getting them to when they have their baby in their arms. And you know, another reason that people will choose surrogacy is that it allows the intended parents to be part of the entire process and the pregnancy so we
If the gestational carrier who is pregnant intended parents are throughout this entire process in a relationship with this carrier, they are developing a relationship, this strong bond, and it enables the surrogate to share details about the pregnancy with them, whether that's photos, whether that's FaceTiming, during an ultrasound appointment, it enables intended parents who are able to go and attend appointments if they can see their baby on that little monitor firsthand. And I think the biggest blessing of all with surrogacy is that it allows the intended parents to be there for the birth, and they get to meet their baby for the first time, which was probably one of the most, if not the most emotional moments that could possibly happen between a very small group of people is the surrogate in the delivery room, and intended parents just sort of seeing that baby for the first time. And, and that's not something that you have the opportunity to do with fostering and probably don't have the opportunity to do with adoption either. So it really makes surrogacy very unique in that aspect. That's such a great answer. And it really highlights how we approach relationships at Circle, everyone has their own story. And we really want parents to feel safe and supported when they're making their decisions. And not to mention for same sex couples or singles, this is the only way to have a biological child. So we really want them to feel supported through this process. I agree. 100%. All right. We've been talking about intended parents for a little bit. So let's let's talk about our ladies out there. Let's talk about our gestational carriers. So probably one of the top questions we get from women who are interested in becoming surrogates is, what are the requirements to become a surrogate? Honestly, Kristen, not a day goes by where I do not get asked this question. So I have been preparing for three years to answer this one. Speaking about requirements, through our surrogates page, we have a full list that you can go and find there, I'm gonna throw that link in the description of this episode. But I can give you a brief overview. You have to be between the ages of 21 and 40. But we do accept women up to 41. If you've been a surrogate before, you have to have a BMI under 32. That requirement is set by the fertility clinics. I think it's important to note there Lauren, though, with BMI like this is not us judging how healthy you are. You can have a BMI over 32 and be and be fit and healthy and have had super successful pregnancies. But it's that number that they're putting in place to ensure that your body reacts properly to the medications. So we have intended parents who have been through so much, and the clinics and agencies, we're all working together to have a successful of a journey as possible for everybody involved. Absolutely. And that's probably the you, you took the next question right from me, which is why is BMI so important for becoming a surrogate? And that is the question that I am the most careful when answering because many of these women have had four children of their own and they have a higher BMI, they carried full term, they had great deliveries. And unfortunately, for surrogacy and an IVF, pregnancy, those things are a little bit different. So we really just want to make sure that we're not only protecting the IPS who have tried so hard, but also the surrogates and making sure that they are set up for success to have a successful journey. A couple other requirements. Being a US citizen, we are legally only able to work with surrogates who reside in the United States, and are US citizens. We also require that you have a support person and that you have the support of your family. They always say it takes a village to have a child to raise a child. And this is really no different. We want to make sure that our surrogates are fully supported. We have an amazing team of social workers, and program coordinators that circle who provide amazing support. And we're so proud of that. But we want to make sure that on every end of the spectrum, our surrogates have people behind them who are making sure that if they have to go on bed rest, there's help with child care, or if they need to go to appointments that they have someone to accompany them to those appointments. So those are some of our biggest requirements. But if you'd like to learn more, again, we've dropped that link right in the bio for this episode. One requirement that I would add to that Lauren two is that the applicant has had uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries and is clear
lightly parenting a child, right? So we want to make sure that if you're coming to us to apply to be a surrogate that we already know that you can get pregnant, you can stay pregnant, and you can have a healthy and safe delivery, because that's super important for our intended parents too. Absolutely. You know, I, I was overconfident in my ability to answer that one. I answer it every day. And yeah, the most important one arguably slipped my mind. So thank you so much for jumping in. So I'm here for all right. And while we're chatting about requirements, we've been getting this question a lot in the past year, and it's a very hot topic. So Kristen, would you mind explaining to our listeners our requirements around the COVID-19 vaccine? Well, you're not holding back firstly, how much does surrogacy cost? And why is it expensive? And now I get the COVID vaccine question. Our listeners are going to recognize that you have all of the hardest questions.
That was a strategic move. Okay, yeah, this is definitely one of the most controversial topics out there right now in the surrogacy world. So I'm gonna start here, circle is a surrogacy agency. We are not scientists, and we are not doctors. We look to the medical professionals at our clinic partners regarding any requirements around the vaccine. So I can tell you that there have been scientific studies done to show that the COVID vaccine does not have an adverse effect on women who are pregnant or who are planning to be pregnant. So do we require it does circle require it? Most of the clinics that we work with do require the COVID vaccine for surrogates? Right, they do require a gestational carrier who is going to be working with their clinic to have been vaccinated. So in order for one of our surrogates to work with the clinic, yes, in that instance, the vaccine is required. Also, many of our intended parents who come to us are looking for a vaccinated surrogate. So between the clinic requirement and the request of our intended parents, we tend to work with surrogates who are vaccinated for COVID 19, or who may not be vaccinated yet, but who are willing to hear more about getting vaccinated for a surrogacy journey. So here's what I would say if you are served. If you are interested in surrogacy, and you are not willing to be vaccinated, it is not that we don't want to work with you, it's just that we may never be able to match you with intended parents or a clinic. That makes complete sense. And we will continue to update our surrogates and egg donors as information or requirements change. And you can always keep an eye out on our social channels, when usually when we have big announcements like that we will post to our social channels. So just keep your eyes out as things change. Yep, absolutely. So whether you're looking at surrogacy as a gestational carrier or becoming an intended parent, there is an application process that goes along with that they are very different. But we still have forms that you can find right on our website to fill out to get that application process started. So we sometimes get asked by potential intended parents or potential surrogates if they can connect with someone who has been through the process, before they apply to get a better idea of not only how surrogacy works or what it's like, but maybe get a better understanding about what what circle is like as an agency. So how I'm sure you get that question on the social channels too. Like how how do you handle when a request like that comes through. So I actually love getting requests like this, I get these requests from both surrogates and intended parents, as you mentioned, just wanting to know more about the process and they want to hear it from someone who actually understands. I have never been through a surrogacy journey. So while I'm there, and I can inform you of every single one of the things that we say on our website, I can't speak from personal experience. The great thing about circle is that I just recently recalculated, what percentage of our employees have personal experience with surrogacy, egg donation, IVF, or adoption, and it's over 40%. So one of the amazing, it's so amazing, and it's so different from what you will find at other agencies or in other industries, the fact that we have so much personal experience, so I usually present the option to the person that's asking and say, you know, we have a number of people on staff who have been parents through surrogacy many multiple times, and we have a huge population of surrogates, who work at circle who have come to us after being surrogates through our program and some who have been surrogates at other agencies and come to work with us.
So we can connect you to anyone at our agency with personal experience, depending on your specific need. But we also have people that we identify as being ambassadors for circle that have worked with us. And after their journey, they reached out to us being excited and wanting to share their journey, wanting to connect with people who have questions, who have identified themselves as being people that that really want to share about their journey, they want to tell their story. So I always provide the option to people when they reach out and say, you know, would you like to be connected to someone on our team who not only can speak to you from a place of experience, but also as an employee at Circle? Who really knows the ins and outs of the programs and how it works? Or would you like to speak to someone who does not have any affiliation with us, they just were a parent or surrogate or egg donor through our program, they had a good experience, not always a perfect experience, we make sure that, you know, we're not just toting the very best journeys that we've seen come through. Many of the people that we have on deck to speak with someone had bumpy journeys, or are faced quite a few obstacles, and they still are really passionate about surrogacy and want to share their journey. So I would say to anyone who is in the research phase, ready to apply, but would like to speak to someone, feel free to reach out to us on social and I will do my best to find the right fit for you in talking with someone who has experience as someone who is a self proclaimed crazy researcher,
and overall planner of all things, I think there's only so much you should do all the research, you can read everything you can, but you're going to get to a point where you're going to want more, and you're not going to be finding it. And I think that's when you need to sort of decide, Okay, I'm ready to talk to someone who has been there who's been in the shoes, who can give me the good, the bad, the ugly and sort of talk me through this a little bit because there is nothing that could compare it to actually talking to somebody who has been through the process and can share that experience with you.
Absolutely. And for surrogates, specifically, who are interested in hearing a diverse set of experience. Our second episode of the podcast, our surrogate panel, featured two surrogates through circle, both did their journeys with circle and are now employees that circle and one surrogate who did her journey, she did multiple journeys with another agency, and then came to work for circle. And they all share about what that experience was like. So if you're not in a position where you want to be connected directly to someone, we also have resources like that. So we'll also provide the link to that episode. In the episode description. We have all of the links for you. And this is the link heavy episode the first the first one. All right, Kristin, ready to move on to our next question. So is it a hard one? Is this a hard one? i It's not this is a very easy one. This is a great question that we see often and actually doesn't have a yes or no answer. So I'll be interested to hear your approach to this one. So our next question is, we're often asked when is the best time to apply to become a surrogate. So when would you say is the best time to apply to become a surrogate all of the time now.
In short, you you can apply to become a surrogate any time. So we have women who applied years after the births of their own children, we have women who apply the week after they've delivered a baby,
we you can apply while you are breastfeeding. So basically, when it comes to being a surrogate, we will follow your lead and your timeline. So if you are not at a place where you're able to move forward at the time that you do apply, whether it's too soon postpartum or you are still breastfeeding, for example, we'll simply put your application on hold. And we'll wait until you're ready. And you know, wait until she was at a point where she could move forward with the application process. If you've listened to some of our earlier episodes, I loved how on the circuit panel episode when Sarah, who did her journeys through circle and now works here was saying how she thought that it was going to be a super long process, and there was going to be a lot involved. So she applied while she was six months pregnant with her youngest child, not realizing that this process actually moves relatively quickly. And she got a call that afternoon ready to move forward and had to be like, Oh, actually, I'm still pregnant. And I plan on breastfeeding. So that was of course totally fine with circle, but we had to put her application on hold. She was able to get her medical record start a little bit earlier in the process than most people do. But then she was put on hold until she was
After she had given birth, she waited the amount of time that we require she had completed breastfeeding. And then she was able to jump right in. I love the enthusiasm, though. Oh, I wish I wish that we could see that every single day. That's amazing. I know that would be amazing. So we've been talking a lot about these questions that come up before you apply to the program, whether you're a surrogate or a parent. And honestly, if you do not have questions throughout your entire surrogacy journey, are you even doing a surrogacy journey? Right? Because I mean, there is just so much to learn and take in and all these different milestones. So this question comes after the application process, Lauren. So not every agency operates the same way, when it comes to matching and how they approach that circle has a whole matching department and follows a relationship based matching approach. So they work very, very closely with the surrogates and the intended parents and talking to them and reading profiles and interviewing them to really dig deep to determine what that best match might be. So we get the question, who gets to choose who they work with the surrogate or the intended parents? So I'm curious to how you will answer that one, in order to prepare because I know that this is a tougher question, I sat down and chatted with one of our matching managers so that she could fully explain it to me so that I could give you the best answer possible. And I loved what she said. She said that the way that circle does things ensures that both the intended parents and the surrogate feel like they're in the driver's seat, we want the surrogate, and the intended parent to always feel like this is 100% their decision. And if they don't want to move forward, they don't have to. So we present all of our matches to the surrogate and the intended parent, if we think that there's a good match, and they're both able to review the full profile. And if they're interested, and they think that it's a good match for them, we will help set up a call for the intended parents and the surrogate to get to know one another, ask all kinds of questions, we don't want there to be a lot of pressure on this meeting, it's just seeing if it's a good fit, seeing if there's a good feel to it. And then after the fact, both the surrogate and the intended parent have 100% say on whether or not they want to move forward with this match. So if the surrogate thinks it's a great fit, but the intended parents don't think that it's going to work for them, then we don't move forward with the match. And on the flip side, if the surrogate if the intended parents love the surrogate, but the surrogate has a different timeline, or is looking for something a little bit different, they do not have to move forward with the match. So the long story short answer to that is that both the surrogate and the intended parents have 100% say in who they choose to work with. And that's very, very important to us over here. On the circle side. Yeah, I think intended parents and surrogates will both say like, but how am I going to know? And what I would say to that is, you'll just know, and I know that kind of sounds like a cop out answer. But having gone through that process, I will tell you, it is just a feeling that you will have in your gut that like this is my person, or these are my people. And you should trust that right you should you should trust how you're feeling inside. And you know, I promise you after that phone call, you will know either way, if it's the right match. Yes, we almost never hear people who aren't sure, after the call. They people usually come out of that knowing one way or the other, which is really nice. Because if it's no, we keep on moving forward and on to the next match. And if it's a yes, it's go time, it's time to really start the process. And that's what makes all of the different types of relationships at Circle really special. Kristin, you stole my next question a little bit with your with your answer. And your question to me, you mentioned that circle has a relationship based matching approach. This is very different from most other stories that we hear. So can you explain what that actually means? What a relationship based matching approach is? Sure, no problem. So I think when you think about a surrogacy journey, there's two relationships to consider. The first is the relationship that you have with your agency. And the second is the relationship that intended parents and surrogates have with each other or intended parents and donors may have with each other. So we are a relationship based agency meaning everything we do and everything we promote, and everything that we encourage comes out of developing a strong bond between intended parents and surrogates and their
are a bunch of different ways to do that. And no two journeys are the same. And you know, no two people are the same. So the way you approach creating interpersonal relationships in your in your personal life is you're probably going to have a very similar way about doing that with your surrogate or your intended parents. So one way that circle encourages this relationship is that we and parents to have weekly video calls, it's very easy to fall into the quick texts. But that's not really going to allow you to get to know each other on a deeper level, I think those weekly video calls a lot of our parents and surrogates, they will schedule them at the same time every week, that time that works for both of them. And that's even with our surrogates who are matched with our international intended parents, right, that scheduling might be 6am, for the surrogate and my dinner time for the intended parents, but they make they make it work. So seeing each other face to face. And having those longer conversations is really what is going to enable you to create that stronger, deeper bond. That's not to say you can't supplement in between with texts and photos and videos, or whatever else it might be, the more you talk, the more you share, the more open that you are, it helps you feel part of the process. And that's both for parents feeling part of the pregnancy. And for the surrogates to get a better understanding of what the process is like from the intended parents point of view. You know, your surrogate has been pregnant before, right? She has her own kids. But this might be your first pregnancy as an intended parent. And it's important to remind her of that, right? This is old hat for her. But to remind her Hey, like, I'd love to see ultrasound photos. And that's one thing I would say just be open, just ask and talk. And if you want to be more involved, talk about it, say like, Hey, I'd love to be on FaceTime during that ultrasound, so I can see the baby, I guarantee you that your surrogate will do whatever she can to make sure that you are on video to see that little flickering heartbeat on that screen. The other reason why we encourage relationships is because circle thinks long term about the baby. And having the relationship between surrogate and intended parents. It really creates an open door for when your child is of age or is ready to learn their origin story. You'll have this relationship in place with your surrogate, that you're able to have that conversation and introduce your surrogate to your child or however you're going to go about sharing that origin story. I will say if you're an intended parent or a surrogate who does not want to build a relationship during the surrogacy journey, and you don't want to have continued communication throughout circle is probably not the right agency for you. There are agencies out there who you can do a journey with them. That is a little bit more. I hate the word transactional, but that's the best word I could use to describe it, where you're, you're you're both in there, this is a contract. She's carrying the baby, you're waiting for the birth of the baby. And there's not really a lot of, you know, relationship growing going on there. And that does exist if that's something that you're looking for. It's not what circle does, we have seen so much success, building that relationship and just seeing what it does to all of the children born through surrogacy just being able to meet their surrogate and and know their birth story. It's really, really special. And I love that that's something that we talk about so often. And we share photos, and some of our most successful things that we've shared on our social channels are photos of surrogates and intended parents together, whether it's during the journey, or after we have a shocking number of intended parents and surrogates who still plan annual trips, they go to each other's weddings, they go to baby showers, they go to baptisms, they go on vacation together, they go on vacation together. And I want to say Christian, I could say this because you were just there. But you missed maybe four sets of intended parents are now parents through our program that were at Disney with their surrogate. It is I wish I had known for them. Well, they were it's like the tail end as you were coming home. They were getting there. But I am astounded by the number of photos that are sent to me that feature egg donors intended parents flying their egg donor out for dinner just to get to spend time with them. It is it's it's something that I had no idea existed before I came here. And of course we do get those questions. Occasionally I get a question from someone and they'll say, but I don't want all that and we never judge when we get messages like that. We are always happy to provide more information about just general surrogacy providers.
resources of where else they might be able to look if they're looking for something different than what we offer. But being upfront about that is such a valuable thing. Because we never want to force someone into a situation that they're not comfortable with or set expectations that things will be a certain way, and then have people be uncomfortable with that or not live up to that expectation, and then that leads to disappointment. So we will do our best to find the right thing for you if it's not circle. And that's also something that makes us makes us different, and something that I'm really proud of. Yeah, I agree. 100%. All right, Lauren, we have some questions about matching. Now, I'm pretty sure we can do an entire episode about matching. Because it is such a big milestone. It's like the one of the first biggest milestones in your journey. And we get tons of questions from both sides. But the question I have for you is, what is the difference between match requirements and match preferences? This is a great question. And I'm going to be completely honest, I had to call our matching team to get a solid answer for you.
I did prior to this and make sure that I was giving the best answer. And like you said, we follow a relationship based matching model. So it's really important for us to get to know the surrogates and the intended parents prior to matching, we want to make sure that we understand what kind of journey they're looking to have how many embryos they want to transfer or have transferred, how they want to go about this. From a relationship standpoint, we have some surrogates who say I want a lifelong bond with my IPs. And we have IPs that say I want to lifelong bond with our surrogate. And we have to know those things before we head into the matching process to make sure that we're finding a good fit. So we have two categories when going into matching. So all surrogates and intended parents, when filling out their profile are asked for their match requirements, and their match preferences. So match requirements are things that are for the most part, non negotiables. So, for instance, if you are a surrogate, and you are five feet tall, and you weigh 100 pounds, the clinic may require that you only transfer one embryo for the safety of your pregnancy, that's relatively common. So that's a non negotiable. If you are an international parent, one of your match requirements may be that you work with a surrogate who lives in a specific state that has laws that are conducive to you having parental rights, the moment that your child is born circle takes that very, very seriously and wants to make sure that we are matching people only who can have a very successful journey, and that the parents can have immediate parental rights as soon as the child is born. So there are legal, medical and preferential so we have surrogates who come to us who say, I will only work with gay dads, I have a brother who has always wanted to be a parent, and I wanted to give back, I wasn't able to be a surrogate for him. But I only want to work with gay dads, I'm really passionate about that. And that's a non negotiable. So we asked them to put that under match requirements. Preferences, on the other hand, are things that you're hoping to have in your journey. And in an ideal scenario, all of these preferences will be met. But these are not non negotiables. If the right fit comes along, you may decide you know that that's not as important to me as I thought it was. And match preferences are often things like I'm an intended parent living in Boston. And I would like to match with a surrogate who is also on the East Coast, that makes traveling easier, it makes getting to a delivery in a moment's notice a little bit easier. This could be I would like to work with an experienced carrier who's already done a journey before. And then you can have this whole profile and then the matching manager will take a look at that. And they might find that they have a perfect match for you in every way, but doesn't meet one of your major requirements. So you haven't listened to this episode yet, because it hasn't come out. But it's one of my favorites, where we have a surrogate and a mother through surrogacy sit down together and talk about their journey. And the mom talks about how one of their hard requirements was that they wanted a surrogate on the East Coast. And that was important to them. And they, you know, looked and looked and we tried to find the perfect surrogate, and then a surrogate came along who could not have lived farther away from where they were hoping to have her and she lives in Montana, which is way past the G
graphical range that they wanted, and they have become lifelong best friends. And it was a amazing match. And once they met one another, they realized that that wasn't as important to them as they thought it would be. So we always tell people fill it up with as many preferences as you'd like, be honest, be truthful in what it is that you're looking for, but be open. Because the matching process is very complex. And our team works so so so hard to find the right match for both parties. And sometimes that looks a little bit different than what we set out for. And this actually leads us beautifully into our next question that we've been seeing a lot from intended parents on our waitlist, which is, how do we speed up the wait times to match with a surrogate? Another tough one for you? This is this is that elephant in the room right here, I think. All right, you are challenging me today, Lauren. Okay. So right now, many agencies have long match times. So I would say the only way to speed up your match time would be to match with a surrogate on your own, and then bring her to circle and then continue your journey with circle with AR bring your own surrogate program. So if you find a surrogate and you bring her to us, we'll do all the screening, we'll manage the entirety of the journey. And we can do that for you. So I would say that is probably the only way to speed up the waitlist. Putting that aside, if you want to leave matching to the professionals, and we sort of just talked a lot about circles matching team and how we go about the matching process, there are a few things you can do to keep your wait time as short as possible. So the first thing is being flexible about your surrogate match. So Lauren, you just talked about match requirements versus match preferences. So the more preferences you have as an intended parent, the longer it may take to find you a compatible match. So for example, if you come to circle saying, I only want a match with a surrogate from a specific state, or with a specific occupation, or I don't even know someone who is a vegetarian, whatever it might be, that is limiting criteria for us. So what it will do immediately is it will narrow the pool of available women that we can then go through and match for all of the other reasons we're matching you legal requirements, personality, whatever it might be, but you're starting out with a smaller pool of surrogates immediately. So what we would say is be flexible.
If there are any deal breakers, or absolute must haves, let the matching team know about that. And they will do their best to accommodate them. But I would say be flexible, let the circle team work their matching magic and and just be ready to find that perfect match for you. I can say when my husband and I were doing our journey. We live on the east coast in New England. And we were pretty thoughtful about wanting a surrogate who also lived in New England so that we can attend appointments. And like you said, in case there's you gotta get there for the birth, it's not Planes, Trains and Automobiles to get there. We ended up being matched with our perfect match. And she lived all the way in Georgia. And you know, we actually did have one of those scenarios where three weeks before he was supposed to arrive, we got the phone call of he'll be here tomorrow morning. And it was a scramble, and we made it and the doctors and nurses are amazing to ensure that that happened, but we made it. So that little anecdote is just me saying go into it with some thoughts on how you want to match or what you want those matching preferences to be. But be open to hearing and looking at profiles beyond those requirements, because you very well might find your perfect match that's a little bit outside either your comfort zone or where you thought you might want to be decide what your deal breakers are and then be open to hearing options. I love that I actually recently heard a surrogate compare finding the right IPs to finding the right wedding dress. She found out that I was engaged and she asked you know what kind of dress that I wanted. And I was telling her about it and she said, You know, honestly, matching with IPS finding the right IPS was exactly for me like finding my wedding dress. I went in with an idea of exactly what I wanted. I had
photo, I knew the brand, I knew the designers I like, I went in so confident in exactly what I wanted. And I ended up leaving with a dress that could not have been different from what I originally wanted. And she was like, I cannot stress enough that that is exactly what happened with my IPS circle did their matching magic and they said, personality wise, I think you're really gonna like these IPs, and they fell in love. And it was a phenomenal match. So it's out there it happens. I'm gonna totally date myself right now. But there was this movie with Matthew Perry called fools rush in 100 years ago. And my favorite quote from that movie is your everything I never knew I always wanted. And I feel like that's sort of what the matching process is like, because I think you go into it, thinking you know what you want. But honestly, if you haven't gone through the process before, who knows, you don't even know what to think. But then you're seated and you're having this video call with somebody, and you probably couldn't have even conjured this person up in your head. But throughout your you're all of a sudden, you're like, This is exactly who I need to help me right now. So that's a pretty phenomenal feeling. Again, go with your gut telling you it's in the gut. All right, Lauren, last question for you. We're talking about matching. Yeah, and the video calls on those video calls, it will be the surrogate, and her partner, if she has one. And the intended parents circle, a representative from circle is not on those video calls. Why do we not have someone from circle on those calls? That very much sounded like a weakest link question, which made me a little bit nervous getting answering. I was like, Oh, I hope I hope I know the answer to this one. But that's a great question. And we actually get this from a lot of experienced carriers, who have done journeys that other agencies and have then come to circle to do another journey. So most agencies that we know of, or that we hear about from our surrogates and intended parents actually do have someone on the calls to facilitate. And so we know that the way that circle does, it is a little bit different. And the main reason for this is because we want this call to not be influenced by circle circle already have their influence in matching you, we thought that you'd be a great fit. We did all the hard work, the medical, the legal, all of the clearances, we put you guys together. And now we want it to be your decision whether or not this is right for you. We don't want this to feel like an interview where there's someone from circle, asking specific questions, trying to create a connection that maybe isn't there, we want it to be a gut check. Like Kristen said, We want you to be able to go into this phone call, have your awkward first couple of questions to try and break the ice. And then find your own rhythm with each other. We want you to ask your questions without fear that you might say something negative about circle or about the experience, you may have waited a long time to find your match. And we want you to be able to lament about that on this call, we want you to be excited, we want you to really share exactly how you feel and what you're looking for, without someone from circle saying, Oh no, don't say that. Or, Oh, no feel be more open minded. We trust all of our surrogates and intended parents. And we trust that you want to be here as much as the other person on the call wants to be there. And so we want that to be up to you. We're always happy to help beforehand. We have there's always nerves, we hear a lot about the nerves before that first phone call. And there are people you know, especially for surrogates, the pre screening team that you've been working with, they're there to help you if you need some initial questions because you're nervous and you're not sure what to say, or you need some encouragement. Almost everyone on that team is an experienced surrogate and can share her own story and all of the stories that she's heard from the women who came before you. So we're here to help. We want to help. But we want that first initial call to just be the surrogate and the IPS, forming that relationship and making their own personal decision. That's right for them. I feel like if circle was on the call, it would almost be like you brought your mom on first date, right? You just have like somebody looking over your shoulder like No, don't say that or you have something in your teeth or whatever. It's just like how can you relax if you know somebody's like listening in and trying to hear everything that you're talking about? I think not having circle it kind of takes that weight off or you could just be yourself and just talk about whatever you want. No one's judging. Oh, I would even go one step further. And it feels to me like it
If you were to bring, if you had a best friend, I'll use myself as an example, my fiance and I were connected through a mutual friend. And we had joked about her coming on our first date to make it easier, because it kind of lets us off the hook. And it would have allowed her to really carry the date, she would have been able to say, Lauren, you like XY and Z, Chris, you like that, too? Now, no chat.
Right. And, and while that would make it so much easier, it wouldn't make it true and real for us. And while our first date was incredibly awkward, we found our rhythm right away. And it's the it's that same thing, you don't want the pressure of the matchmaker over your shoulder being like See, see how good of a job I did. So I think it's really special that, that we don't do that, that we have removed ourselves. And we're putting the trust in the IPS and the surrogate. So our final question is, what tips can you provide for building a relationship with your IPS or surrogate once you decide to move forward with the match? Ah, that is a great question. So I think some intended parent and surrogate relationships, they grow almost immediately from the first phone call that they have, I have spoken to many women and intended parents who expect God I just knew and after that first call, they're immediately off and running and just having more calls, texts and just in constant communication with each other. And then other intended parents and surrogates, those relationships take a little bit more time to deepen, honestly, I think it depends on the people and personalities, some people might be a little bit more extroverted or introverted, and that may have an effect on how quickly that bond develops, I would say continued communication, those weekly video calls are so helpful. But don't let a week go by if you can help it without having any communication, right? Whether it's emails, sending a funny meme, or a photo, or just a quick update between, you know, surrogate and IPS, it's always good to just keep those lines of communication open. Be open, be honest, if you're feeling something, share it unless it is something process related, like that's for your circle team. But if it's something that is has to do with the journey, or the pregnancy or your relationship, or if you're just feeling a little uncomfortable about something, it might be hard to start the conversation, but I can almost guarantee that you'll be happy that you had it, because it'll just get it out in the open. And it'll really help you establish a place of trust to grow your relationship. And that will help you down the line should a challenge arise where you hit a bump in the road, you are going to want to have each other to lean on in a situation like that. You will always have the support of the circle team and we will always be there at every step with you. But having the type of relationship with between surrogate and intended parent where you can lean on each other. You can laugh together, you can cry together. That's what you're looking for in this relationship during your surrogacy journey. I would also say if you happen to be an international intended parent, matching with a surrogate or a surrogate that has international IPs, get to know each other get to know each other's culture, get to know all about where each other lives. You can get through timezone barriers and language barriers. There are many ways to grow relationships, and communicate. You know, I think intended parents, they want to relationship even more if they're living but halfway around the world because they do feel a little bit further away from their baby. And I think they want to get to know their surrogate and like, share your favorite things about where you live and favorite foods or what your city or town is known for. After all that is the place where their baby is growing. And that is where they are going to come for the birth of their baby and spend some time afterwards. So they want to hear all about where you live. I think as far as building that relationship, it's be open, be honest, share, ask questions, right? If you're wondering if your surrogate is able to have X, Y and Z ask her be like Hey, what is your doctor say about this or have a phone call with a doctor yourself? Just ask those questions and I think just be open to each other and learning I promise you you will find that common ground and you'll have if you have that foundation built, you will have a successful and
And Happy journey. And it makes circles job so much better when we get to see the fruits of that labor of matching and and getting you guys across the finish line. It's It's really wonderful.
Yeah, you know circle helps to I mean, every surrogate, she's welcomed with milestone cards that enable her to take pictures and share them with her IPs and all of the different weeks of gestation throughout the pregnancy. So there are very, very small and easy ways to share news and keep in touch and just grow that relationship. I love it. Love it. Well, we did it got through our first q&a episode. Hopefully people like it. If it's bad comments, I won't send them to you. But I doubt it. I think I have found I would totally do this every week. Yeah, well, we'd let's switch it. Let's change our weekly meeting. Kristen. Now it's just going to be us creating podcasts until somebody tells us we can't do anymore. But thank you so much for hopping on. I know that this is a crazy time of year everybody's busy. You just got back from vacation. But I think this is going to be a really great episode for for people that are curious. And even for people who are family members of people going through surrogacy journeys, we get so many questions from people who are on the outskirts of a journey and just want to learn more. So feel free to send this episode to anyone in your life. Who is curious, who is always asking questions. We're here. And feel free to continue to ask us questions. We need more questions now to do another q&a episode. Absolutely. And this was a lot of fun. So thank you all for listening. We always appreciate each and every one of you that lends your ears to us babbling on for an hour but answering very important question. So hopefully everyone learned a little a little something during this episode. And don't forget to LIKE subscribe, follow every podcasting platform has their own little call to action. So if you want to hear more from us and you are loving the Family Circle, please rate subscribe, follow wherever you can. Until next time. Thanks guys.